And in another shock report, published in the Bristol Observer, car crime is now virtually non-existent, with the 'newspaper' headline proclaiming: "Cars are safe in Keynsham." Yet, as the builders get busy with the bricks, while revealing ample arse cleavage, in the name of Crime Fighting, a heated debate is gathering pace over what all of this means to the people of St Keyna's manor. Is Keynsham becoming a crime-free haven?
We spoke to a professional criminal, known only as 'Dave', who is a leading member of the opposition group 'Crime Pays'. He told us: "It's a disgrace. Keynsham used to be probably the easiest patch in Bristol. Some of us were walking from Southmead to rob those shops. We got families to feed. I pays me betting tax, so I should be consulted on these matters first, like. We're dead against it. We're victims of increased efficiency in the police force. We got rights y'know, so we're fighting for 'em."
It's the A-Team van!
The presence of police men (and women), along with the recent introduction of so-called Community Wardens (where members of the public get to play Judge Dread for the week), in conjunction with the town's highly successful CCTV scheme, looks likely to spell the end of the road for people like 'Dave'. Only last year the Handymans shop stopped selling door locks as demand dwindled. Key cutters and car alarm vendors have also reported falling sales as the non-Crime Wave sweeps the town.
However, not everyone is against the war on crime. A small-but-substantial support group called 'Cop Shop - Top Job' has recently formed in the town, with it's leader, Pete Watermelon, proclaiming: "Bring on the bobbies! We're already planning a Front Door Sale for June, probably in Knowle. It'll be like days gone by, people singing 'round the piano and all that. It's about time that law and order became fashionable again. Any roads, it's better than all those daft haircuts the kids are sporting nowadays."
It remains to be seen whether 'dragging the police station into the 21st Century' will contribute towards speeding up the War On Crime, but if anyone wants to donate some food or scratch cards to 'Dave', feel free to contact us.