GET ORF MY OFFICE!
A MAN who abseilled down the Riverside Offices last month was beginning a three-month sentence this week after judges at Cane Shum Crown Court found him guilty of Vertical Trespass. The man, 36-year-old Keynsham-born Trent Grove, claimed the building belonged to him following a misunderstanding over an unpaid British Gas bill dating from 1986.
KEYNSHAM'S 23 charity shops will be holding a combined Bring-And-Buy sale on Monday April 12th, where they hope to successfully sieze control of the town's Central Business District by a process of 'retail osmosis'.
THE TOP 10
TEN THINGS you can't buy anymore in Keynsham.
 Nutty bars
 A tent
 Posters off the pavement
 Anything from the market
 A gas cooker
 A musical instrument
 Basalmic vinegar
 A house
 A decent pair of socks
THE BEST LAID PLANS
A NEW Keynsham Town Plan is to be drawn up in order to replace the old Town Plan, which has been largely shunned due to it containing too many plans. A new Think Tank will discuss ways to speed up the planning stages of drafting a plan, thus reducing printing and admin costs. If the Think Tank proposals are accepted, the door would then be opened for the formation of a Community Discussion Group, aimed at finding ways of speeding up the thought processes of locally-elected Think Tanks. More to follow.
REFUGEE SHOP JOY
A RADICAL proposal to use Keynsham's many empty shop units as temporary homes for illegal immigrants has met the widespread support of local Government officials. The plans will see up to 2,000 refugees housed in the High Street's former retail outlets.
FREE PARKING R.I.P. II
A CUNNING plan to halt the rise of backstreet parking in residential areas has this week been announced by local traffic planners. The scheme will see the installation of Pay & Display machines in Sherwood Road and Chandos Road, two of the worst-hit areas in Keynsham. The system will be operational from June 1st 2004, with a £7 charge for all-day parking.
KEYNSHAM POLICE are to hold a 'People Mover' amnesty in May, following the success of a similar scheme in Cardiff. A spokeman confirmed: "It's time these dangerous weapons are taken out of the hands of pre-occupied mums and dads. We'll ask no questions if owners feel they want to give over their vehicles. Public safety is a major concern."
WORKING IS SCRAPPED
RECENTLY-ANNOUNCED controversial plans to convert Keynsham Hospital into a work house have been shelved at the eleventh hour following complaints from local employment chiefs. Spokeswoman Doreen McShirker confirmed: "The last thing this place needs is an outbreak of work. The people of this town have got enough to do already without creating more jobs."
STOP THE CHOC, NOT
UNIONS HAVE called-off a planned strike at Cadbury's in Somerdale following an agreement between the employers and the leading Ooompah Loompah Union 'OooLooU', a deal brokered by mediators OfChoc.
MORE BRIEF news reports from the dim and distant past can be found HERE
ALL AGES WELCOME
WANT TO have some fun? Keynsham Aged Youth Pension Toddlers Group are seeking new members for their regular ball-pit and dominoes sessions at the Fear Institue. If you walk it like you talk it, contact Ivy in the Talbot car park.
NAME THAT PLANET
ASTRONOMERS AT the University Of Keynsham Sky Faculty have released the names of the two new roundabouts spotted recently on proposals in the Library constellation. Continuing the trend for powerful mythical names, the bods have named the Rock Road roundabout 'Confusica', after the Greek God Of Puzzlement, while the other will be christened 'Sensle', derived from Senselesson, the Norwegian God Of Needless Spending.
FOR SALE: Keynsham roadmap. Slightly outdated, but fine for non High St drivers. £2. Mary. BOX 12.
WANTED: Weekday daytime parking space in Sherwood Rd. Cash waiting. Henrietta, Sherwood Rd.
FOR SALE: Respectable semi in World's End Lane. Must sell quickly due to 'relocation'. £67,000 ono.
NEVER MIND the marmite, did you get the papers? They've cut the connection to Zephlan 2. Unless we fry the fish we'll lose the batteries. Leave the car, it's spent now. Please do your best. BOX M16