Researchers at the University Of Keynsham (UOK), in conjunction with ‘K-Tel’ records, have completed a nationwide survey investigating the generosity of the populous. The information, which was gleaned from the census along with store ‘loyalty’ cards and an anonymous source in Hemel Hempstead, has been fed into a state-of-the-art computer, where a complex series of calculations took place over a period of several months using specially-designed software.
The scientists that pioneered this technology proudly presented their results at a packed press conference in the Pioneer. Team leader Professor Bleak was asked how they had come up with such a revelation: "This technology," he said, "is at the forefront of scientific research into the munificence, unconscious or otherwise, of the adult population of this country. The results are invaluable in understanding the socio-economic values that underpin the whole of society. Plus, we got paid shed-loads for it."
After rambling on for far too long, he finally come to the point where he described the groundbreaking formula used to identify the town's residents: "Basically we count the number of charity shops in a town and divide that number by the population. I can reveal that Keynsham residents have three charity shops each! This is by far the most generous town in Britain."
Yesterday on the High Street, in one of these so-called 'Charity' shops, a 'tweedy spinster' who worked there but wished to remain unnamed said: "I have a lovely sports jacket in your size and these Farah slacks would show off your bum a treat. We haven’t had them long - chap only died last week."
A regular donator to one of the shops, Tracey Lank, was buying some tasteful pink leggings when we caught up with her. She was delighted with the result but said she would have known without a ‘posh’ survey: "My pash Darren treated me to a new boob tube, sexy nylon kecks and some Panasonic batteries, and then we went to Charcoal Grill for a ‘bab’. How’s that for generosity?"
Tracey, I couldn’t have put it better myself. And seeing as though we have three shops each, I'm going to sell two of them off and retire on the cash. Now there's