On a recent session at a local hostelry, I was lucky enough to get chatting to a great bloke, Mr John P. Taker, who, after a few pints of Zider™, told me he was the man in charge of booking the line up for this years fantastic Keynsham Music Festival. I thought ďbingoĒ - a scoop for the wonderful readers of Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum
. So he bought me another pint and all was revealed. The news that is, not his nob.
Judging by what he told me, you'll have no need to source dodgy tickets on the Internet for Glastonbury, or go see that crap New Seekers tribute band at the Fear Institute. Mr Taker has booked international superstars to delight our ears and get our toes tapping at this years piss-up in the park. The boat's been pushed out, no stops are remaining, and with caution chucked in the general direction of the wind, we can exclusively reveal how the days entertainment is looking for 2004's 'Boogie Under The Bridge In A Keynsham Stylee', which is set to happen on Sunday July 11th.
OLD AND YOUNG ALIKE
WHAT THE hell is happening on the roads of this wonderful town of Keynsham? In my very busy days working as a professional lay about, I drive around town and all I see is very old people driving cars. They can barely see over the wheel and drive at a constant 20 mph. On a good day they indicate before stopping in the middle of the High Street. On a bad day they just stop! Then 14 wrinklies 'leap' out (not), after which the driver has a 5 minute chat about "what time to pick them all up again", then proceeds to pull out (no indication!) and off down the road at that mind blowing top speed again. And at the other end of the scale are scooter twats, riding everywhere at full speed (35mph!) like they're in some kind of race, carelessly weaving though traffic. See them revving their puny little engines whilst doing their best to impress the young ladies, which obviously won't work 'cos they're twats! So, chuck the old gits off the road and donít let the kids buy them scooters. Contact George Downing on 01225 477688 to report these crap drivers.
Robbie Williams (Heís gunna entertain you, apparently)
Britney Spears (Next to nekkid, oh yes!)
Oasis (Bring your boxing gloves)
Fat Boy Slim (Complete with beach and public safety issues)
The Darkness (In full spangly Lycra™)
Busted (Three kids and some crap tunes)
Atomic Kitten (The Nuclear Pussies are reforming especially for us)
Madonna (Please keep off the grass, itís hers!)
And to end this wonderful line up, the one and only
best band in the f**king world
The Wurzels (Minus Adge Cutler, but with extra Zider™)
Well as you can see, thatís quite a line up and the cost will only put your council tax up by £199 next year to cover it, bargain! Expect to see new-age travellers and general riff-raff congregating in and around Keynsham within days. An estimated 500,000 music lovers are expected to attend the event, dubbed 'Little Glastonbury'.
The morning after, I rang John to confirm a few things we had talked about regarding the festival, but was told he was not available and had been returned to Barrow, having only been let out for the night as he'd been behaving himself lately. So there it a slight possibility that most of the above information is crap!
Charlton Bottom firstname.lastname@example.org